I Thought Alcoholics Were Weak, Self-Destructive, Selfish, and Immoral

I never understood addicts -- until I became one. If drinking or drugging is ruining your life, then quit. Just quit.

One blessing of becoming an alcoholic is that it has enabled me to realize what alcoholism is and what it isn't. "Addicts are weak, the myth goes. Weak of mind, weak of character. Or they're willfully self-destructive. Or they're unbearably selfish. They must be. Otherwise they'd stop hurting themselves and hurting others as well, right? 'That's a real mistake that people make,' says senior research psychologist Dennis. 'They think it's about a morality play, a moral shortcoming. That somehow you failed as a person.'"  (Addiction, https://www.tarzanatc.org/resources/hbo-addiction/)

Now I understand that alcoholism isn't a disease for the weak and immoral. Instead, "Any so-called lack of willpower in an addict has been caused by changes in the brain."

I have a mother and mother-in-law, ages 92 and 88. At times, they forget things and show signs of early dementia caused by changes in the brain. Are we to say they are "weak of mind and character" because they get a little grouchy sometimes and don't know what day it is? The brain of the alcoholic is different, just like the brain of the elderly.

I'm sorry I used to be ignorant of these matters. Ironically, I am thankful to my own alcoholism for setting me straight.

They Tried to Make Me Go to Rehab, I Said Woof, Woof, Woof

Here's a great idea for people faced with choosing between rehab and keeping their pets. The following article from the Denver Post describes a program working for Colorado and maybe, now or soon, in a city near you:

"Simon Rubick had lost almost everything to decades of alcoholism and drug addiction....   Rubick, who lives in the Denver suburb of Arvada, Colorado, knew he needed help. But first he had to figure out what to do with one of the only sources of unconditional love and support he had left: his beloved German shepherd rescue, Tonks.

"Most residential rehab centers in the United States don’t allow patients to bring their pets along, said Rubick, 51. So when his brother could no longer help care for the dog, Rubick thought he would have to make the excruciating decision to give up Tonks.

"'It basically came down to being able to take care of my dog or being able to take care of myself,' he said.

"Rubick — who has been sober for more than two years and is now an addiction recovery coach — was connected to the group PAWsitive Recovery, which fosters animals while their owners receive treatment for drug and alcohol abuse, and for people dealing with domestic violence or mental health crises.

Simon Rubick, and Tonks (AP Photo/Thomas Peipert)

"'People that are trying to get into recovery sometimes have lost their families, their children, any kind of support system that they have had,' said Serena Saunders, the organization’s program manager. 'You’re not going to compound trauma that you’ve already had by giving up the one thing that hasn’t given up on you, and that’s people’s animals.'

"Saunders founded PAWsitive Recovery in Denver three years ago. Since then, it’s helped more than 180 people and their pets, and Saunders said the group has looked to expand nationally after it became a part of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals International. The organization, whose largest foster network is in Colorado but accepts applications nationwide, is one of just a few programs in the U.S. that cares for the pets of people seeking treatment for substance abuse....

"If not for PAWsitive Recovery, Rubick said he probably would have ended up living on the streets with his dog and trying to figure out recovery on his own. But as it turned out, by being able to keep his rescue dog, Tonks ended up rescuing Rubick, he said.

"'It’s that connection, caring for another creature and having something else care for you the way that animals do,' Rubick said. 'It’s just unconditional, and sometimes that’s one of the things that people in recovery really need to be able to feel.'" (https://www.denverpost.com/2024/09/01/pawsitive-recovery-pets-rehab-foster-animals/)

Check with ASPCA to see if there is a PAWsitive Recovery program near you, or to start your own foster program for dogs and owners in need. See https://www.spcai.org/our-work/pawsitive-recovery

Saunders founded PAWsitive Recovery in Denver three years ago. Since then, it’s helped more than 180 people and their pets, and Saunders said the group has looked to expand nationally after it became a part of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals International. The organization, whose largest foster network is in Colorado but accepts applications nationwide, is one of just a few programs in the U.S. that cares for the pets of people seeking treatment for substance abuse.

 (”https://www.denverpost.com/2024/09/01/pawsitive-recovery-pets-rehab-foster-animals/ )

 Church Is No Museum for Saints

I was taught as a child that only good people get into heaven. Likewise, only good children get gifts from Santa on Christmas. I'm glad I'm not that child anymore. I have discovered God's grace, and what I do doesn't matter. There is no St. Peter at the pearly gates to review my life's works in some big book. Really, that's what I was told. Were you?

"I learned to relate to God on an entirely new basis; not on the basis of my works, or of my righteousness, but on the basis of God's love for me.... That is grace, and that is what makes life worth living.... For it's true you know: Grace changes everything!" (Why Grace Changes Everything, by Chuck Smith. You can read the book for free at https://www.cclakeside.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/Why-Grace-Changes-Everything.pdf)

We talked about God's grace at my AA Big Book study group yesterday. Chris said he told his sponsor once that he didn't deserve God's grace. Of course you don't, was the sponsor's reply. "Grace isn't getting what we deserve. If we deserved it, it wouldn't be grace."

Chris added later, "I had a preacher in church who said church isn't a museum for saints; it's a sanctuary for sinners."

I like that. I need to do God's will, not to get into heaven, but out of love and gratitude for God's grace.

Change Comes In All Shapes and Sizes

I guess God didn't want me to post what I just wrote. I believe he tells me what to write, and now what not to write. I was describing my depression over moving to a smaller house and being unable to sell the old house, which has been on the market for five months. Then, when I was almost finished typing the post, my screen went blank and I lost all I had written. So here goes again. I'll omit all my sad details and go straight to the quote I wanted to share.

"In time you come to learn that something is always coming. No road ever runs straight.... Even if everything continues, it will change, and you have to be willing to adapt to those changes.... Change can be tough, even when it takes you where you want to go.... 

"As a result, fear of change is present in every aspect of our lives. We dread the pain that could wait for us over the horizon, and we do everything we can to avoid that potential discomfort. That is why we quit our addictions and our vices only when the consequences of indulging them hurt us or others more than the pain of quitting them." (The Fun Formula, by Joel Comm,   https://www.amazon.com/Fun-Formula-Risk-Taking-Serendipity-Revolutionize/dp/1400201942)

Leaving behind the lovely house where I lived for 35 years and raised two wonderful children has been hard on me. I needed to be more ready for such a giant change in my life. Lesson learned. Someday I will leave this house too -- either in a moving van or a pine box. I better be ready for the change.

 Spoken Like Experts at AA

This came from my friend Eddie at my AA homegroup meeting this week: "The goal isn't to get sober, it's to have a life that doesn't make you need a drink."

And Renee, at another AA meeting: "The first drink is the problem. If I lay down on train tracks, it's the engine that gets me, not the caboose."

And in conclusion, this wisdom comes from Joe: "Page 164 of the Big Book says, 'Our book is meant to be suggestive only.' That's like me suggesting you pull the ripcord on your parachute after you jumped out of the plane."

 'All Failures in Life Are Opportunities'

John Boel is a news anchor for WAVE-TV in Louisville. He has been open about his recovery from alcoholism and, like me, he wrote a book. It's On the News...In the News (https://www.amazon.com/News-Journalists-Story-Recovery-Self-Discovery/dp/1935497448) I knew John before his DUI arrests in my role as media relations manager for a chemical plant. He was a good reporter who I respected.

But today, on Facebook, John announced he will retire February 28. Here is part of his Facebook post about his past trouble:

"When I got to rehab in Nov 2010, I thought my life & career were over. Couple days after arriving, a counselor at Hazelden handed me the St Paul Pioneer Press because it had an article he wanted me to read. It happened to be about a guy I idolized in college named Don Shelby- a legendary anchor & I-Team leader at WCCO-TV. The guy I wanted to be like. The story was news to me. It detailed the plunge he suffered because of alcoholism. But he’d gone to treatment, turned around his life, and was happily retiring after a career fulfilled.

"They handed me that story to give me hope. But I sat there and wept because it all seemed so unreachable & impossible at that point in my crashed life.

"A wonderful thing happened after that. People encouraged me while at the same time delivering honest blows about my character defects- a long list. They told me I could get there too if I did what I was told and put it in the hands of a higher power. I got the same kind of encouragement, support & honesty from countless people after the plane landed back in Louisville and thereafter. One thing led to another. An offer from WAVE. Job promotions. Incredible coworkers. Paid off debt. Journalism achievements. Better family life. Successful kids. Growth as a person. And now - I’m happy to announce my own retirement.

"Career fulfilled, just like Don....

"So many wonderful people over the past 14 years helped put me back together after a great fall. All failures in life are opportunities.... At a moment like this, I think about the most surreal scene of my life. An unusually kind, cheerful van driver taking me to the airport from Hazelden in a snowstorm in December of 2010 at the end of rehab, talking, encouraging me the whole way. He unloaded my bag.. backlit by the airport lights in the pre-sunrise darkness.. snow pelting his jacket.

“'Have a great life,' he said, looking me right in the eyes, with a big warm smile on his face.

"How could you say that, I thought to myself, while shaking his hand goodbye.

"Hard to believe at the time. But it turns out.. I actually did."