So, Have You Corked Your Bottle Yet?

 When I got sober, I started writing a blog to help myself stay that way. Eventually, I attracted a lot of readers and so, in an effort to reach even more people committed to staying sober, I turned the blog into a book I called Corking the Bottle (https://www.amazon.com/Corking-Bottle-Day-Day-Guide/dp/B0CD9L6P8Z).

Here is an excerpt from my book:

Sober Day 77

 No Supportive Family? Build One Out of Friends

 I haven’t blogged for a while because I have been camping. This past week was our annual family getaway. This year we camped by Port Townsend along Lake Erie in Ohio. Each year, my family and in-laws, who were friends long before we joined them with our marriage, get together to camp someplace. To paraphrase a cliché, you can’t choose your family but you can choose your in-laws. I scored on both counts! I couldn’t ask for better. None of my wife’s family suffers with drinking problems, that I know of.

 So what went wrong with me?

 Worrying about the past, which can’t be altered, gets in the way of living for the moment. This moment only! What went wrong with me doesn’t matter nearly so much as the fact I had nothing to drink today. Tomorrow can worry about tomorrow. This is the day and this is the moment in which I live.

 If you aren’t as lucky as I to have a supportive family, you need to depend on your sponsor, AA friends, workmates, church cominglers, maybe a sober neighbor or two.... Make them your family. But whatever you do, don’t blame your addiction on growing up in a dysfunctional home. I’m sorry for that. But move on.

 Embrace the serenity prayer. Don’t blame Mom or Dad or that funny uncle who messed you up. It’s a new day. How are you going to only live in today so that tomorrow can be even better?

 I don’t mean that as a rhetorical question. How are you going to?

AA: Best Trends With Benefits

 I like to read books about psychology, self-help, positive thinking, and stuff like that. I'm surprised at how many of them describe the benefits of 12-step programs and peer support such as provided in Alcoholics Anonymous, even if the books aren't about sobriety.

One such book is called The Pursuit of Happiness, by David G. Meyers. I quoted from it yesterday. He says, "People most at risk for illness are those who experience a trauma, continue to think about it, but don't talk about it. As they begin to talk openly about their pain, their bodies relax and they ruminate on it less. Twelve-step programs, such as Alcoholics Anonymous, encourage participants to confess, rather than deny their most painful recollections, and to gain relief and support from others who have walked the same road."

I feel better after AA meetings if I have shared some thought or idea. I got it off my chest and I might have given someone a different perspective. That makes me feel happy.

The Worst Trips I've Ever Been On

This past weekend, I went with my wife and sister to visit Mom and another sister in Grove City, Pennsylvania. The drive home Sunday was slick and quick. But the trip up from Louisville through heavy rain took about two hours longer than usual. It was the worst trip to PA ever.

No. Wait. That's not true. There were worse. When I was drinking, I needed a slug of vodka the night before and sometimes again the morning of the trip so that I felt okay until I returned home to the bottle. Ugh, those trips were terrible. My wife always drives, so there was no risk of DUI. But sometimes I shook so much in the car and at my mom's that I couldn't keep food on my fork or hold a glass to my mouth. One time I kept throwing up, then dry heaving, through the seven-hour ride and then throughout the night in Grove City.

I couldn't wait to get home. A drink would make me feel better again. Of course, that was only temporary. Why did I think I had to drink? Eventually, I learned I needed God, AA, and Antabuse, along with want-to, before I could get sober for good. Well, sober for this day. Tomorrow I start over.

Grace Really Is Amazing

 Sometimes I make the point at AA meetings that everything happens for a reason. If it weren't for alcoholism, I wouldn't know anyone in those rooms, I wouldn't have achieved my lifetime goal of writing a book, and I wouldn't be in a position to help others battling addictions. I say thank you God!

Chuck Smith, in Why Grace Changes Everything, (https://www.thriftbooks.com/w/why-grace-changes-everything_chuck-smith/323595/item/690097/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=pmax_non_scarce_used_nca_22292660096&utm_adgroup=&utm_term=&utm_content=&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=22296401182&gbraid=0AAAAADwY45hJ8GR9uxFB9kWBAhuG2SFIe&gclid=CjwKCAjwi-DBBhA5EiwAXOHsGQRUcJNhRYVanXm4tzTbzhexWB2X6oB5vt5FOcK22SKOGVoWb3shZRoC1OYQAvD_BwE#idiq=690097&edition=2309660), writes, "Wherever we find ourselves, God has a reason for placing us there. He has his hand upon our lives and upon each circumstance in our lives. We may be going through difficult trials, but hardships are necessary. God wants to develop in us the characteristics that will enable us to fulfill his plan for us."

Please, God, work your will through me, whatever that will is.

Having Patience With Patients

 At my AA homegroup meeting today, Eddie pointed out that doctors and therapists can't understand alcoholism unless they have experienced addiction for themselves. I raised my hand and agreed, with a personal addition.

"I didn't become an alcoholic until I  was into middle age. Up until then, I remember discussions with my wife, claiming, 'I don't understand why people who drink and do drugs know they are destroying their lives and others' lives, but they don't do anything to stop it. They are miserable. So why don't they just quit?'

"Of course we know why they can't just quit. I didn't understand until my drinking became a problem that messed up my life and the lives of people I loved. I couldn't quit. Finally, I understood. Now, I hope I have helped some people who can't quit, and that I will continue to help people stop drinking."

I ended there. I didn't tell about a young friend of mine who I will call Sandra. After the meeting, I took her to the psych hospital, where she had recently been  a patient -- again! She needed to pick up her prescriptions, which she had lost after being discharged a couple days ago. She has relapsed too many times for me to remember. Her last relapse ended with her fighting another woman in her rehab house, which led to her getting another heave-ho and a criminal charge against her. Back in the day, I wouldn't have understood her addictions and would have abandoned her long ago. Because of my own alcoholism, I can be more patient and understanding.

Is there someone in your life who needs your patience and understanding?

 Be Still And Listen: "The Tune Will Come to You at Last"

This blog is sort of a sequel to the book I wrote, Corking the Bottle: A Day-by Day Guide to a Sober Life (https://covenantbooks.com/books/?book=corking-the-bottle), published last summer. The book started as a series of daily blog posts I wrote during the first few years of my sobriety. The purpose is to lead, I hope, someone -- anyone -- to a new and improved life.

Here is a sample, written on Day 19 of my sobriety:

"I grew up as part of a family active in church. There, people told me what to believe. And I did believe. But later, in my adult life, I became disillusioned with formal religion as it was taught to me. In my community relations job, I became painfully aware of basic needs being unmet. It seemed churches didn’t know or else didn’t care about the people living all around them who were struggling to be healthy families. I no longer felt religious, but I still believed in God. What’s up with that?

"It wasn’t until I got into AA that I learned religion and spirituality are different. I can be spiritual: love God, pray, seek to do God’s will, and don’t judge others’ spirituality. I believe there is one God, but how I perceive him is up to me. We choose our own higher power. I had never seen spirituality from this perspective.

"Where you find your higher power doesn’t matter. Just find it!

"One of my favorite books is Awakening in Time by Jacquelyn Small. She writes, 'When we honor the higher power’s principles of love -- of truth, goodness, and beauty -- we are using our energy as a creative positive force, and we feel serene. When we violate its laws of love and wisdom which are in fact our nature, we feel isolated, heavy, uninspired, and out of sorts.... In order to connect with our higher power, we simply need to be still and listen. Our intuition already knows the sound of its voice.'”

 This Money-Making Venture Tells Us We Can Drink Safely

This, from Sunnyside -- Mindful Drinking, came to me via Facebook. Below it, I will tell why we need to stay away from this for-profit business.

"I cut my drinking down by 90% and feel like I’ve found a cheat code. Of course, you know that alcohol is bad for you, but do you really know what gains you’ll see if you start to drink less?

"Changing your drinking habits doesn't have to be all-or-nothing, and you don't need to know what you want your final outcome to be. Not sure if you want to cut back a bit or a lot?

"I promise if you cut back on your alcohol, you may experience the same powerful benefits that I have.... Maybe challenge yourself to take a short break from drinking. Or try only drinking on weekends. Or simply try to cut your consumption in half.

"What helps me stay on track?

"I joined the #1 alcohol moderation app called Sunnyside. They help you track your progress with charts and analytics, read through resources and exercises, and hangout online with an awesome community of people like you who want to cut back.

"So, does it work? Sunnyside members reduce their weekly alcohol consumption by 30% on average after 90 days. For me, I cut back 90%, & the majority of Sunnyside members still drink alcohol.

"It’s truly an alcohol moderation app. This is the new health craze that’s going to blow your mind and help you crush your goals. Sounds crazy, right?

"Think you can do it? Join now and get a 15-day free trial."

AA and the rehab programs I am familiar with teach us there is no returning to alcohol without our addictions taking us over again. I turn once more to The Alcoholism and Addiction Cure by Chris Prentiss. He argues that alcoholism isn't a disease, but a response to some sort of physical or emotional stress. Figure out the stress and have it treated effectively and our addiction will be cured. So I was surprised to read in later chapters that he, too, insists we alcoholics can never drink again. Even a little bit:

"No, you cannot ever use addictive drugs or alcohol again. That means not even one sip of wine, once.... Cure means that you can feel physically and mentally good without the use of addictive drugs or alcohol.... If you start believing that you can drink socially...you're on your way back to dependency."

Sunnyside strikes me as a company making money by telling alcoholics what they would like to hear: A little drink now and then won't hurt you. Do you know of anyone addicted who can later drink safely? I don't. And I'm not willing to test the theory.

Confused, Lonely, Hurting People Could Use a Hug

In yesterday's post, I wrote about positive interactions with people that make AA such an important part of alcoholics' recovery. Today I am finishing Enjoying God, by S. J. Hill (https://www.sjhillonline.com/) and came across a passage worth passing along to y'all. The book is preachy and heavily Biblical (for my taste, but maybe not yours). But in the last chapter, Hill provides a god-inspired reason why going through our alcoholism can be turned into a good thing. He isn't talking about addiction or AA, but he could be, Read it from the perspective of a person in recovery.

"One of the main reasons we experience the dark night of the soul is so we can relate to others in need.... When you're dealing with confused, lonely, hurting people, you can't touch their hearts with information alone. But when you get real with them and share your own pain, frustration, and feelings of failure, your honesty will motivate them to open up their hearts as well. Out of your own brokenness, you'll be able to impart life to them, because you're sharing a part of yourself and not just something you read in a book. You'll be able to leave them with hope, because the Father walked you through your dark night and took you deeper into His heart than you had ever been before.

"Sometimes all people need is a listening ear and a compassionate response. They need your friendship, a hug, an affirmation, a blessing, or a prayer. As you watch friends and family members pass through their dark night, you'll probably see them respond in some rather immature ways. That's OK. Give them grace. After all, how well did you handle your situation?"

All of which should bring to mind AA's Step Twelve: "Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs."

 See God at AA Meetings

Ever been to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting? Maybe you are like I was and are afraid to go, not knowing what to expect or how uncomfortable you may be made to feel. Well, I came across this account of what AA meetings are like. It is in A Search for What Is Real by Brian D. McLaren. https://www.amazon.com/Finding-Faith-Search-What-Real/dp/031027267X/ref=as_li_ss_tl?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1482512494&sr=1-1&keywords=a+search+for+what+is+real+mclaren&linkCode=sl1&tag=mclaren0f-20&linkId=eeb7c29aa85e4afb22bf4c2310956349

"You will better understand this means of experiencing God powerfully if you attend a few meetings with a friend in recovery. At nearly every meeting you will hear a true story from someone whose life has gone out of control due to some form of addiction. This person realized that he was completely powerless over his addiction, and eventually reached 'bottom,' a point where he despaired of his own ability to change his own unmanageable life through his own willpower. At that bottom point, he reached life through his own willpower. At that bottom point, he reached out to God -- a Higher Power outside of himself of whom he admittedly had little understanding -- and in the days, weeks, and months that followed, he found that this outside power was restoring him to sanity. Over time, he learned more about this power. For example, he learned that God was morally good and that part of God's healing process involved not only release from addiction, but release from moral anarchy; the person will tell you about how he engaged in a searching moral inventory, identifying his wrongs and seeking, wherever possible, to make amends to those he had hurt.

"He also learned that this Higher Power cared about others, and so he began to dedicate himself to carrying the message of a caring, restoring God to others in similar pain. In addition, he learned that he would very easily relapse unless he sought to maintain constant conscious contact with God through prayer and meditation and to practice moral discipline in all of his daily affairs.

"Story after story you will hear...you will sense the presence of God. At least I know I have."

Yes, and I have, too, How about you?

Lead Me Not Into Temptation, But No Big Deal If You Do

Lori announced at my AA home group meeting yesterday that she has achieved 60 days of sobriety. (Applause!!!) But she was feeling guilty about a temptation. Her parents were at a funeral and she was in their house alone. She knew her dad took painkillers, and he kept them in his nightstand. She went into the bedroom, opened the drawer, and found a bottle of Xanax. She put it back, but felt bad anyway because she had been tempted.

I told her that being tempted is no sin. Jesus was tempted a bunch of times, but he resisted. No harm, no foul, no penalty. My friend Eddie pointed out that thinking about it isn't a relapse. "Don't beat yourself up. It's not how you fall, but how you get up."

Mark told a story about being told not to think about a pink elephant. No matter what, don't think about a pink elephant. Later, the man asked, "Well, did you think about a pink elephant?" Mark said of course he did. In order not to think about a pink elephant, he had to think about the pink elephant. "It's like thinking about not drinking. If you do that you will be thinking about drinking. Instead, think about what you can do to help others."

Lori needed to think about how she could positively influence others, not about Xanax. Nevertheless, she overcame her temptation to use, and that's all that really counts.

Make a Commitment And Then Elmer's Glue Yourself To It

My friend -- who I have taken to AA meetings, helped get set up in her first apartment, gave a copy of my book to -- texted me yesterday that she has relapsed, lost her job, and doesn't have money to pay the rent. I am devastated.

What follows came to me through Facebook today. I thought it worth sharing. I request of you the same thing this writer asked: Please share your story -- through this blog, at meetings, one on one, etc. Maybe you will help someone like my friend, who is once again lost in the high weeds:

    The Alcoholic Next Door

Today marks 16 years of sobriety! What an amazing journey it has been. 16 years ago today I woke up in a detox facility not remembering how I got there. I can still remember the feeling of relief when I found out where I was. The fight was finally over. I had no idea what to expect or what my life was going to be like sober. All I knew is that I couldn’t go on the way I was living and I made a decision to give this thing called recovery everything that I had. It was time to write my comeback story.

16 years is hard for me to put into perspective. It feels like yesterday and forever ago at the same time. Everything I have in my life today- My wife, my daughter, my family, my friends, my career is because I finally said the three hardest words I ever said- I NEED HELP. Today I am a husband, father, brother, coach, friend and mentor. I have a full life and can’t imagine where I would be today had I not stopped. If you or someone you know is struggling please reach out and ask for help. There is an amazing life waiting for you if you just have the courage to give up and ask for help. If you are one of the fortunate ones that have made it to the other side and are living a great life in sobriety I ask you to please share your story! People that are struggling need to see the possibilities and know that there is hope. I am so grateful that I have been able to impact so many people’s lives simply by being an open book and showing what is possible. You can save a life just by telling your story. What a gift that is!

All reactions:

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 Mindful Drinking App Sounds More Like Mindless Drinking

Lately I've been getting unsolicited sponsored ads on Facebook for Sunnyside -- Mindful Drinking. The premise is we will be better off if we just reduce our alcohol intake. Well, that didn't work for me and it doesn't work for anyone who shares at AA meetings I attend. The only way to stop is to cut out, not cut back. The ads claim:

"Alcohol is a poison, and it literally hurts every part of your health and wellbeing. It might help with anxiety for a bit, but it’s actually responsible for causing MORE anxiety the next day.

"I’m not saying you should quit drinking. That’d be boring, and most people don’t want to stop.

"Instead, challenge yourself to take a short break from drinking. Or try only drinking on weekends. Or simply try to cut your consumption in half.

"How did I do it?

"I joined the #1 alcohol moderation app called Sunnyside. They help you track your progress with charts and analytics, read through resources and exercises, and hangout online with an awesome community of people like you who want to cut back.

"So does it work? Sunnyside members reduce their weekly alcohol consumption by 30% on average after 90 days. And get this… 98% of Sunnyside members still drink alcohol.

"It’s truly an alcohol moderation app. This is the new health craze that’s going to blow your mind and help you crush your goals. Sounds crazy right?"

Right! Finally, something I can agree with. If you can cut back, you're not an alcoholic. That used to be me. Addicted means your brain has been altered so that a little bit of alcohol leads to a little bit more. Then a lot more. This app, which subscribers have to pay for, sounds in-app-propriate to me.

God Could and Would and, For Me, Did

I couldn't have gotten well six years ago if not for Step Two and Three:

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Some AA people say they have or had problems accepting the existence of and grace from a higher power. For me and countless others, Step Two and Three are essential for conquering the demon rum. Here is a post by Bruce Reaves from Recovered Alcoholics group Facebook site:

"God could and would if he were sought

"Not 'understood,' not even 'believed in,' just 'sought.' I was somewhere between agnostic and atheist when I came in. But I could see that SOMETHING was at work in the lives of the sober members of AA, and I decided to seek the help of whatever that was. THAT is God as I understand him. I turned my will and my life over to the care of that undescribable undefinable whatever-it-is and proceeded through the steps. I call it 'my buddy HP.' It's been working for over 40 years now."

Make God your buddy, too.

 Church Is No Museum for Saints

I was taught as a child that only good people get into heaven. Likewise, only good children get gifts from Santa on Christmas. I'm glad I'm not that child anymore. I have discovered God's grace, and what I do doesn't matter. There is no St. Peter at the pearly gates to review my life's works in some big book. Really, that's what I was told. Were you?

"I learned to relate to God on an entirely new basis; not on the basis of my works, or of my righteousness, but on the basis of God's love for me.... That is grace, and that is what makes life worth living.... For it's true you know: Grace changes everything!" (Why Grace Changes Everything, by Chuck Smith. You can read the book for free at https://www.cclakeside.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/Why-Grace-Changes-Everything.pdf)

We talked about God's grace at my AA Big Book study group yesterday. Chris said he told his sponsor once that he didn't deserve God's grace. Of course you don't, was the sponsor's reply. "Grace isn't getting what we deserve. If we deserved it, it wouldn't be grace."

Chris added later, "I had a preacher in church who said church isn't a museum for saints; it's a sanctuary for sinners."

I like that. I need to do God's will, not to get into heaven, but out of love and gratitude for God's grace.

 Spoken Like Experts at AA

This came from my friend Eddie at my AA homegroup meeting this week: "The goal isn't to get sober, it's to have a life that doesn't make you need a drink."

And Renee, at another AA meeting: "The first drink is the problem. If I lay down on train tracks, it's the engine that gets me, not the caboose."

And in conclusion, this wisdom comes from Joe: "Page 164 of the Big Book says, 'Our book is meant to be suggestive only.' That's like me suggesting you pull the ripcord on your parachute after you jumped out of the plane."

 What If God Told You to Build an Ark? Or to Drink More?

As a teenager, I didn't like being told what to do. And as a teenager who attended a Presbyterian church every Sunday, I didn't like being told what to believe. I struggled with parts of the bible and what Sunday school teachers sometimes tried to sell me. 

Like, how did the authors of Genesis know God flooded the entire earth and killed all people and animals except for Noah and the pairs of animals on the ark? The writers weren't there or they would have drowned. And no one back then knew for thousands of years that North and South America and Australia and Antarctica even existed. Were those continents flooded? Did all the plants die underwater? Did God let the fish live, since they couldn't drown?

If it says so in scriptures, that means it has to be true, including a talking snake tempting Eve. Did Noah let every kind of snake onto the ark, and if so, what about the evil talking snakes?

I have heard from many that one of the attractions of AA and the Twelve Steps is that no one tells us what to believe. There is no right or wrong. It's all about the God as we understood him, in Steps Three and Eleven.

In yesterday's post I quoted from I Want What God Wants. The book is too biblical for my tastes, but the authors do make some good points. "Maybe like me, you have struggled with religion and it's left you feeling disappointed and let down. Maybe for you a relationship with God feels more like an exercise program than a friendship. Just quit! I'm serious, quit religion and tell God you want a relationship. Throw away your rulebooks and lists that were handed to you by well-intentioned people and instead invite God to search you, test you, critique you, and lead you."   (https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/29957590-i-want-what-god-wants)

A relationship with God is essential to conquer any kind of addiction. Build that relationship with God as you understand him.