It's Hard To See Our Own Selfishness

I was never narcissistic. I'm too good for that.

That was a joke.

Here's what I mean. My latest project during retirement is transposing cassette tapes to digital format so that I can leave our family's voices behind. When I lived far from family, we used to send tapes back and forth instead of writing letters or making, in those days, expensive long-distance phone calls.

One tape had me complaining about decisions I disagreed with being made at work. One of my main responsibilities at this corporate headquarters was writing for the color magazine distributed to shareholders and employees worldwide. I  ranted about our VP requiring us to include a report of the corporate annual meeting in the magazine. I said no one cares about the annual meeting, that whatever story that was bumping was of more interest to our audience. I knew no one would read that story. How dare that VP tell us communicators what to communicate! I knew better than she did. I went on and on recording my displeasure. That was about 40 years ago. A lot has changed since then.

As I gained more experience, I eventually realized that one story was no big deal. It wasn't worth getting worked up over. What made me so sure I knew what readers wanted to read anyway? I guess I believed everyone was interested in the same things as I was. My self-centered brain made me think I knew more after a few years in the business than a long-standing VP.

Self-centeredness was one of the character defects I have been working on the past several years after I became sober. AA meetings and the Twelve Steps have made my self-absorption clear to me. I'm working on that now and probably will for the rest of my life. Overcoming alcoholism has helped me overcome my know-it-all approach to life. I'm still not the master; I'm the student. But I'm getting there.

I can see now that some shareholders and employees might have been interested in the annual meeting story. And if not a single person read that article, so what? It wasn't worth the anxiety to me.  Just because I like coleslaw on my hamburger doesn't mean everyone should. I've learned everyone is different. I should thank God not everyone thinks like I do!

The lesson here is self-centeredness is hard to see in the mirror. Take a step back. Maybe let some time pass. Maybe lots of time! And work the Twelve Steps.

 My Dad's Nod of Approval

I was close to my dad. His love and approval meant everything to me. He attended my baseball games when I was very young, went to my cross-country meets when I was in high school (even though I stunk as a runner), and he read the sports articles I wrote for the newspaper while I was in school.

He died of a heart attack suddenly at age 49. I took Mom to the hospital following the ambulance, but he was gone. When we returned home, my dad's fellow teacher and friend was already at the house. She burst into tears and said words I will never forget: "Your dad was so proud of you!

This story in Enjoying God by S. J. Hill (https://www.sjhillonline.com/) reminded me of that terrible day 45 years ago:

"Several centuries ago a famous European pianist performed a concert before five thousand people in one of the continent's splendid music halls. He played one of his most popular pieces, and when he had finished the audience gave him a thunderous standing ovation. Afterwards, he was asked, 'What did it feel like to receive such applause? Was it the greatest experience you ever had?' The pianist replied, 'I liked the applause, but it wasn't the most important thing to me. After the audience had sat down I noticed my teacher of thirty years sitting in the top corner of the balcony. He looked at me and gave me a nod of approval. That one nod from my master brought me more pleasure than the standing ovation of thousands.'"

One attaboy from my dad was better than any award I ever received. He was my "teacher in the balcony." Who is yours? Is there someone whose approval means the world to you?

Sometimes Positive Events Go Boom! In the Night

I finished reading Everything Happens for a Reason, but before I put the book on the shelf and get down another, here is one more important point to consider:

"We see all the time, but suddenly we see something new and different that pierces us to the core. It feels as dramatic as the difference between the darkness of sleep and the light of awakening.

"It's just that we need something to make us see. And that's why the bad things that happen to us have the power to produce real change in the area of self-acceptance and in every other. Nothing wakes you up and makes you see like an explosion." (https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/385817-everything-happens-for-a-reason-finding-the-true-meaning-of-the-events)

I couldn't see my self-centeredness and pride. I needed a dose of humility. Drinking was the "explosion" that opened my eyes. God gave me what I needed. Everything, including addiction, happens for a reason.

 Too Much of a Good Thing Can Be Hazardous to Your Health

Icarus and his father, Daedalus, escaped  imprisonment using wings Daedalus constructed from bird feathers held together with beeswax. Before escaping, Daedalus warned Icarus not to fly too low or the water would soak the feathers, and not to fly too high or the heat would melt the wax. Icarus ignored his father not to fly too close to the sun, causing the beeswax in his wings to melt. Icarus fell from the sky, plunged into the sea, and drowned.

Like Icarus, I flew too high. As I told in my book, Corking the Bottle (https://covenantbooks.com/books/?book=corking-the-bottle):

"I had a wonderful childhood raised by teetotalling parents who loved each other and taught me and my three kid sisters to love.... We didn’t have much, but we had all we needed. I was a straight-A student.... I won awards. I landed a part-time sports writing job at our local newspaper, The Beaver County Times. This led to a full-paid scholarship based on writing ability, so college was totally free. I graduated from Point Park College in Pittsburgh a year early because of college level tests I passed, got a job as news bureau manager in my mother’s hometown of Grove City where I still had lots of relatives, and jumped into my newspaper job the day after my last final exam.

"I married my childhood sweetheart at the same time I started a public relations job, where my salary doubled overnight from my journalism job....  We had two splendid daughters (who are still splendid as adults) and enjoyed a close family life, often camping and hiking in the mountains.... I could go on, but I think that’s enough to show I had a Midas touch. If something didn’t work out for me, something better came along."

So can one have too much of a good thing? Yep.

"People who believe they are winners get lazy, self-indulgent, arrogant. They're not good people, not as good as they could be. So when something bad happens, its meaning can be easy to read. They needed a lesson in how important it is to be a good person, with a particular focus on humility." (Everything Happens for a Reason,   (https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/385817-everything-happens-for-a-reason-finding-the-true-meaning-of-the-events)

That was me, all right. So when I l got laid off and couldn't find another full-time job, even in the fast-food business, I turned to drinking. My beeswax melted and I crashed into the sea. Too much of a good thing can be destructive. Don't fly too close to the sun.

As the book says, everything happens for a reason. Getting sober, I learned humility and how to be a better person. Now I fly comfortably under the sun and above the sea.

 Negative Past, Positive Present: Connect the Dots

We used to send cassette tapes back and forth to family before the birth of cell phones and free long-distance phone calls. I am converting those tapes to digital on my laptop so that our voices from the past can last forever. Cassette tapes deteriorate over time. I'm hearing myself gripe about things that don't matter anymore and that really didn't matter then, either.

That shows me what I used to be like before alcohol took over my life. I think I'm a better person now than I was then as a pre-alcoholic, sober man. Even turning alcoholic can have a purpose in our lives. That's why I'm reading Everything Happens for a Reason, by Mira Kirshenbaum. (https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/385817-everything-happens-for-a-reason-finding-the-true-meaning-of-the-events)

"All you need to do is look at what you've got in your life right now that means the most to you. Connect the dots. There's some really tough event that happened a while back.... You know you were needing to become stronger in some way.... There's this wonderful thing in your life right now, even if it's just a possibility. Okay, then. Bad event...becoming stronger...wonderful life right now. Just connect the dots.

"The bad event gave you the strength you need in your foundation to make possible what's wonderful in your life right now."

Alcoholism was an awful milestone in my life. But "everything happens for a reason." Thank you, God, for the strength to turn my life around.

 Mindful Drinking App Sounds More Like Mindless Drinking

Lately I've been getting unsolicited sponsored ads on Facebook for Sunnyside -- Mindful Drinking. The premise is we will be better off if we just reduce our alcohol intake. Well, that didn't work for me and it doesn't work for anyone who shares at AA meetings I attend. The only way to stop is to cut out, not cut back. The ads claim:

"Alcohol is a poison, and it literally hurts every part of your health and wellbeing. It might help with anxiety for a bit, but it’s actually responsible for causing MORE anxiety the next day.

"I’m not saying you should quit drinking. That’d be boring, and most people don’t want to stop.

"Instead, challenge yourself to take a short break from drinking. Or try only drinking on weekends. Or simply try to cut your consumption in half.

"How did I do it?

"I joined the #1 alcohol moderation app called Sunnyside. They help you track your progress with charts and analytics, read through resources and exercises, and hangout online with an awesome community of people like you who want to cut back.

"So does it work? Sunnyside members reduce their weekly alcohol consumption by 30% on average after 90 days. And get this… 98% of Sunnyside members still drink alcohol.

"It’s truly an alcohol moderation app. This is the new health craze that’s going to blow your mind and help you crush your goals. Sounds crazy right?"

Right! Finally, something I can agree with. If you can cut back, you're not an alcoholic. That used to be me. Addicted means your brain has been altered so that a little bit of alcohol leads to a little bit more. Then a lot more. This app, which subscribers have to pay for, sounds in-app-propriate to me.

God Could and Would and, For Me, Did

I couldn't have gotten well six years ago if not for Step Two and Three:

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Some AA people say they have or had problems accepting the existence of and grace from a higher power. For me and countless others, Step Two and Three are essential for conquering the demon rum. Here is a post by Bruce Reaves from Recovered Alcoholics group Facebook site:

"God could and would if he were sought

"Not 'understood,' not even 'believed in,' just 'sought.' I was somewhere between agnostic and atheist when I came in. But I could see that SOMETHING was at work in the lives of the sober members of AA, and I decided to seek the help of whatever that was. THAT is God as I understand him. I turned my will and my life over to the care of that undescribable undefinable whatever-it-is and proceeded through the steps. I call it 'my buddy HP.' It's been working for over 40 years now."

Make God your buddy, too.