Judging a Christian By Its Cover

 I just spent three days at a cabin in Tennessee with Tom and his wife. He was the best man in my wedding 47 years ago. We keep in occasional contact. This week, we hiked, visited the Museum of the Appalachians, and caught up on each others' lives.

I would label Tom a SuperChristian. He readily shares his faith, and when he talks about someone he usually tells if they are Christian or not. I knew he bought my book on recovering from alcoholism (Corking the Bottle, https://covenantbooks.com/books/?book=corking-the-bottle) and worried that my views on organized religion and spirituality would be offensive to him, and that he wouldn't hesitate to let me know.

To my relief, that didn't happen. He said he read my book, or to be more accurate, his wife read it to him because he has problems with his eyes. He told me he thought the book was good. I explained that admitting my addiction to alcohol was  hard to do, but was necessary to put myself in a position where I can help others.

I've received nothing but support and encouragement from friends, acquaintances, Facebook friends, and Tom. My advice to you is don't be afraid to come out of the closet and admit to drinking while you were hiding in that closet. Yes. I know a woman in AA who admits to hiding in the closet while she drank. Don't be her.

 In the Beginning, Man Created God

Nya nya! My God's better than your God!

I can't say I ever heard such a taunt on the playground or in the church parking lot before Sunday school. We can talk of a higher power, but I don't believe there is a highest power. One of the beauties of AA, I think, is that no one tells others what to believe in. Just believe in something! That isn't the way it was in church when I attended. There we were ordered to believe in the Bible and believe in their Lord, or we are sure to go to hell.

We talked about that this morning in my AA Big Book study group. I like what Chris said: "I believe God doesn't want us all to think the same and act the same. He has different roles for each of us. At the Ford plant, not everyone is painting the cars. Everyone has his own job to do so that the cars come out right."

Lori shared how she came to accept the God of her understanding. "My sponsor told me to make a list of all the characteristics of God. I was raised a Southern Baptist, so my list had mean, vindictive things on it. Then she had me write what I wanted God to be. My lists were different. The second had things on it like forgiving. She said that's the God you should pray to."

Step Three says, "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him." Bill's Story in the Big Book reads, "Why don't you choose your own concept of God? ... It was only a matter of being willing to believe in a Power greater than myself. Nothing more was required of me to make my beginning." (emphasis as it appears)

I wish I could have taken tests in school that were like taking tests of our faith. In the latter, there are no wrong answers. Give yourself an A.

 Why the Best Is Yet To Come

I remember well the angst of my teenage years. Being rejected today by the girl who said hi to me in the hallway yesterday was the worst feeling imaginable. The worst feeling, that is, until a couple football players called me a nerd, then laughed. And the girl who rejected me laughed too. Later, I knew I would be in trouble at home when I had to get the D on my math test signed by a parent. The adolescent world is full of tragedy, isn't it?

My point is that what seemed like the end of life as I knew it in middle and high school is immaterial today. Tragedies weren't really tragedies when we saw what came after them. Now, losing a job, or a spouse, or a child to drugs is a real disaster. Maybe that's the way God works. Death in the family, a hurricane in Florida, a flood in Missouri, a wildfire in California....

How could a God of love let such awful things happen to us or others? I suggest that maybe what comes after life on earth is so fantastic that our problems here are nothing more than a zit before a date.

"I think we need something more than knowing God is with us in our difficulties. We also need hope that our suffering is 'not in vain.' Have you noticed how desperate the families of lost loved ones are to say that? They work to reform laws or change social conditions that led to the death. They need to believe that the death of their loved ones has led to new life, that the injustice has led to new life, that the injustice has led to greater justice." (The Reason for God, by Timothy Keller,  https://timothykeller.com/books/the-reason-for-god)

And a couple pages later, Keller quotes C. S. Lewis: "They say of some temporal suffering, 'No further bliss can make up for it,' not knowing that Heaven, once attained, will work backwards and turn even that agony into a glory."

I believe God can use my alcoholism for greater good. Someday, those bouts of depression and drunkenness will matter less than being picked last for kickball.

 I Can't Stand to Fall

You could never know what it's like
Your blood like winter freezes just like ice
And there's a cold lonely light that shines from you
You'll wind up like the wreck you hide behind that mask you use

And did you think this fool could never win?
Well look at me, I'm a-coming back again
I got a taste of love in a simple way
And if you need to know while I'm still standing, you just fade away

Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I'm still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind

I'm still standing
(Yeah yeah yeah)
I'm still standing
(Yeah yeah yeah)

Those are part of the lyrics of a song recorded by Sir Elton John, my favorite of his many tunes. The words summarize my current state. "Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did. Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid." Yeah yeah yeah. That sums up the life of the sober me.

But there's a sad pun here. Two drinks used to make me feel good. So four, I figured, would make me feel twice as good. Makes sense, right? On a good day, I'm still standing. Other days I'm waking up on the floor or a gurney. Blackouts. Memory loss. Falling down and not even remembering.

Choose to be a true survivor, picking up the pieces of your life without drinking on your mind.

 Blame and Shame Are the Name of the Game We Play

I used to be a blaming alcoholic. I later became a convert, changing over to a shaming alcoholic. Which are you? "Neither one" would be the right answer here.

Blaming alcoholics say, "It's not my fault." I blamed the manager who laid me off from my job. I blamed my wife because she discouraged me from spending time with disadvantaged kids. I blamed some of those disadvantaged kids for not choosing the safe, middle-class lifestyle I wanted for them. I blamed my daughters for lack of understanding and support. The list goes on.

When I realized that drinking had become a problem for me because I couldn't stop, I turned into a shaming alcoholic: "It's all my fault." Everything was my fault. I should have tried harder to find a full-time, meaningful job. I was the one bending my own elbow while clasping a vodka bottle. My drinking was causing blackouts. I wasn't raised this way, so what's wrong with me? The list goes on.

The blaming and shaming stopped when I quit being a victim. I attended AA meetings, found a sponsor, worked the 12 Steps, read the Big Book, committed to God, started a blog that turned into a book, helped other addicts.... The list goes on, fortunately.

It all comes down to a half-full/half-empty-glass outlook. "If you want more good in your life, rather than focusing your energy on the problems and obstacles, focus your attention on what's already good, what's working.... Everyone has both challenges and blessings, but focusing your heart's energy on your blessings will make you far happier." (Happy for No Reason, by Marci Shimoff,  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9dssZXhy3d4)

I Drank Because I Lost My Hire Power

Can you single out one key catalyst that led you to drink? I can. There were a bunch of things going wrong in my life all at the same time. But it was the layoff from the best job I ever had that darkened my world the most. Not finding another full-time job while smack-dab in middle age left me feeling helpless and hopeless. I had no value.

"Unresolved hurt is at the root of all addictive and compulsive behaviors. And when compounded by our fear of confronting the incidents that have wounded us in the first place, it sets us up to rewound ourselves by doing hurtful things to ourselves and others.... If our hopelessness remains unaddressed, we will continue to be at risk of selling our souls, our integrity, and our dignity." (Why Good People Do Bad Things, by Debbie Ford, https://abcnews.go.com/GMA/story?id=4417177&page=1)

With every drink, I sold my soul, integrity, and dignity. We all did. The path to sobriety is clear of brambles only when we deal with our feelings of hopelessness. By improving my relationship with God, I found hope by seeking to do his will. I realized that losing my job was probably God's will because it set me up to do good things I didn't have the time or energy to do when I was working full-time. My struggles with alcoholism and unemployment gave me subject matter and time to achieve my lifelong ambition to write a book (http://covenantbooks.com/books/?book=corking-the-bottle). And with the publication of that book. God has enabled me to help others deal with their alcoholism, even though I will never know or meet many of these people.

Look for hope. You will find it when you find your higher power.

 Don't Get Hung Up on Phone Calls

An AA member chided himself in my home group today because he didn't think he was calling his sponsor or others often enough. I raised my hand to respond.

I said I don't talk to Danny, my sponsor, very often. I keep him up to date on my life events and whether they have any influence on my desire to stay drink free. I think it's fine not to call often, as long as that's working for me. And it is: more than six years sober! And, I added, I attend two or three meetings a week. Some people may feel like they need seven or eight a week. What works for me might not work for you.

Another example is this blog. Writing these messages to share and writing the book that Covenant Press chose to publish last year help me stay away from drinks better than phone calls and better than attending lots of meetings. But that's just me. What keeps you sober? There are no wrong answers.

 How the Crud On the Bottom Can Rise to the Top

Thank God for alcoholism! It has made me a better person.

I'm only sort-of kidding. Abraham J. Twerski explains it perfectly in The Spiritual Self:

"Ironically, alcoholics or drug addicts may actually be fortunate in that their condition results in a crisis that forces them to confront the role or absence of spirituality in their lives. Lacking such a crisis, many people may live their entire lives without coming to a fulfillment of the spiritual component in their lives and, hence, never realize their full potential. I believe that there are few if any differences in the emotional needs of the alcoholic versus the nonalcoholic. It is only that in the alcoholic or addict these needs are much more prominent and better defined and, therefore, can more easily be addressed."

Is that the way it is in your life? I prayed and thought I was a good guy, both before and after I turned to alcoholism. But without the crises of blackouts, car wrecks, drunk-driving arrests, family stress, etc., I never would have been able to experience a life truly in tune with God's will for me. I owe it all to you, Jim Beam.

 Having Fun Should Be a Sobering Experience

I handed out backpacks full of supplies at a back-to-school event this morning at Valley High School in Louisville. I had a great time meeting new people and watching kids' smiles as they opened their packs.

I wouldn't have been able to participate seven-plus years ago. It would have meant having nothing to drink the night before, which would have left me shaky and ill at 8 a.m. I've been thinking afterward about similar volunteer opportunities I probably missed in my drinking days. I can't name them because I can't remember a lot of things from those years when my drinking reached its all-time low.

Don't let yourself miss good times, as I did. I lost a chunk of life because I thought I was better off with vodka than without it. Wrong!

 Marriage? I Won't Drink to That!

Here is a passage from one of my favorite psychological books, The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck (https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/The-Road-Less-Traveled-Timeless-Edition/M-Scott-Peck/9780743243155):

"Whether it be shallow or not, commitment is the foundation, the bedrock of any genuinely loving relationship. Deep commitment does not guarantee the success of the relationship but does help more than any other factor to assure it."

I made commitments to boozing and marriage. I gave up alcohol more than six years ago. That leaves marriage. Next week, we will celebrate our 47th wedding anniversary. In both cases I made the right choice. Quitting the former and sticking with the latter both require great effort and a lot of patience.

My Old Kentucky Home Is Where God Planted Me

I didn't want to move to Kentucky. I was happy living in the West. My wife wanted to move to within driving distance of our families in Pennsylvania. So here I am. In Kentucky. Thirty-five years later.

Turns out the job I got here was the best. We found a nice house in a nice neighborhood. My two little girls, born in Idaho, grew up here, achieved advanced degrees from the University of Louisville, and married Kentuckians. My wife volunteered at the Louisville Zoo, then got a full-time job there where she worked happily until retirement last year. It's clear to me that God wanted my family to be here.

My long-time goal was to one day retire to Idaho. I love it there. But I'm still in Kentucky. My in-laws moved here. My sister and her husband moved here. My 92-year-old mother is in assisted living within driving distance of here.

Yeah, I'm still in Kentucky.

Right where God wants me to be. I don't know why. But here I am. Chuck Smith in Why Grace Changes Everything knows why I am here.

"Wherever we find ourselves, God has a reason for placing us there. He has his hand upon our lives. We may be going through difficult trials, but hardships are necessary. God wants to develop in us the characteristics that will enable us to fulfill his plan for us." (https://calvarychapel.com/posts/why-grace-changes-everything-lessons-from-pastor-chuck/)

The other day, on impulse, I took the book I wrote about recovering from alcoholism and gave it to my new next-door neighbor. I don't know if he needs it. I don't know if he will read it. Or maybe he'll give it away. Maybe that's why I'm still in Kentucky, hanging out until I accomplish what God has me here to do. Until then, Idaho will have to wait.

 If There's a Will Is There a Way?

I haven't blogged for the past week because I was in Pennsylvania at my sister's camp adjacent to the Allegheny National Forest. It was our annual family camp, but now that the kids are grown and working there wasn't much family there.

I went for a short walk through the hemlock trees by the cabin. It was beautiful. And calming. And a chance to pray. I thanked God for the beauty around me. Then, as in nearly all my prayers, I asked God to help me do his will. "Please, show me your will for me and help me do it."

Just then I got a text message on my phone. It was Mykayla, a young woman I befriended the past several years. I wrote about her in my book. (I recommend it for those in recovery or who want to be in recovery, https://www.amazon.com/Corking-Bottle-Day-Day-Guide/dp/B0CD9L6P8Z) I knew the family when MyKayla was walking through their house still in diapers. We got reacquainted when she asked for help through Facebook in attending AA meetings from the recovery house where she was living at the time. Her text was to request assistance moving to her apartment, the first place of her own she has ever had. Was that text message God's answer to my prayer, or just a coincidence? I don't know. Doesn't matter. I'm going to help her move this afternoon.

I feel strongly about the need to do God's will in our lifetimes. He sure doesn't do my will, so I guess I should do his. "Do not conform yourselves to the standards of the world, but let God transform you inwardly by a complete change of your mind. Then you will be able to know the will of God." (The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren, https://www.purposedriven.com/)

 Mindfulness Over Matterfulness

My youngest sister told me about a time in her life when understanding mindfulness and learning to embrace it would have served her well. I took a several-week workshop on mindfulness a few years ago. They defined mindfulness as paying attention here and now with kindness and curiosity and then choosing your behavior.

She was 14, ready to start ninth grade in the fall, when our father died unexpectedly of a heart attack. She had lived her entire life in Chippewa Township, up the hill from Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania. Our mother suddenly felt alone. She sold our childhood home and moved 35 miles away to her childhood home, Grove City.

My sister said she hated it there. All her friends from school and church were back in Beaver Falls. The kids in Grove City snubbed her and she snubbed them back. She didn’t want to fit in. She didn’t want new friends. She didn’t know or live the words of The Serenity Prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change…” She thought somehow if she remained friendless, got bad grades, and misbehaved at home that Mom would make a change and move back to Beaver Falls, where life would be serene again. That never happened. My sister wasted what could have been the most enjoyable years of her life living in the past and feeling miserable.

As far as I know, she didn’t try drugs and alcohol in high school, but ignorance of a life of mindfulness could have been a sturdy bridge to cross over into substance abuse. I'm glad she didn't travel that way. Nevertheless, there was little "kindness and curiosity," and the behavior chosen was counterproductive.

As Shakespeare pointed out in Hamlet, “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”

From A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle: 

If there is nothing you can do, face what is and say, “Well, right now, this is how it is. I can either accept it, or make myself miserable.” The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it. Be aware of the thoughts you are thinking.

Gray Mater Does Matter When It Comes to Relapse

 I read an interesting book, simply titled Addiction (https://www.amazon.com/Addiction-Cant-They-Just-Stop/dp/B00196WFDY). I wish I had read it back when I kept relapsing and couldn't understand why.

"Unseen is the actual biochemical alteration of the parts of the brain that are necessary for us to make decisions and control our behavior. That's why even when an addict has a strong desire to change their life, what happens next is not as simple as walking into the first AA meeting they find. 'They can't stop because their brain has been changed....'

"'Most people typically have three or four false starts before they're able to successfully maintain a year of sobriety.... That can often take eight or nine years.'"

For me, those eight or nine years might be pretty close. But three or four false starts? I wish!

How far down Recovery Road are you? If you're still driving into the ditch, don't be too hard on yourself. Keep trying to keep your hands on the steering wheel so your alcohol-altered brain stops that craving.

 Age Is Just a Number, But I Keep Adding To It

Joe is some years older than I am. He told AA members at a meeting that age was restricting him and made him feel bad. He no longer could run or ride a bike or do other physical things he used to do. Move over, Joe, because I am in the same boat, and I no longer have the strength to row it.

I added a different view of the same complaint. I admitted I feel the same way. I can no longer run marathons. Heck, my arthritic knees prevent me from running any distance. I haven’t ridden a bike in 19 years. I used to lie on the floor on my back under the bathroom sink and replace faucets. I’m not sure if I tried that now I could get up again. But I explained my glass is half full, not half empty.

I shared, “I’m retired, which means I have the time to tend to my yard and garden better than I could when I was working full-time. My landscaping looks pretty good these days. Old age gave me the time and experience to fulfill a life’s dream and write a book, Corking the Bottle, about my recovery from alcoholism. I wouldn’t be here at this noon meeting if I were still working. So the way I see it, getting old is a trade-off. Yes, I can’t do a lot of things I used to do. But now I get to enjoy doing things I couldn’t when I was young.” (See https://www.amazon.com/Corking-Bottle-Day-Day-Guide/dp/B0CD9L6P8Z)

I saw Joe nodding his head as I spoke. I felt like he understood the point I was trying to make.